


your little brother never tells you but he loves you so

by softgansey



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Ian, Gap Filler, M/M, season 4, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4506546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softgansey/pseuds/softgansey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven days had passed and Ian was still in bed.</p><p>Even when Carl went to see him, still nothing. Carl thought if he showed Ian some knife grips he learned off the Internet, then Ian would be happy, but Ian kept looking at the wall with dead eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your little brother never tells you but he loves you so

//

 

Seven days had passed and Ian was still in bed.

Fiona, Debbie, and Lip had visited to check up on him, to see if he was any better, but every day had been the same.

Fiona asking Ian how he’s feeling, if he has eaten anything, if he wanted to go out, but nothing from Ian’s side.

Lip telling Ian about Amanda, about college, asking him if he wanted to go to the Alibi with him, but nothing from Ian’s side.

Debbie talking about Ellie and Holly and Matty and high school, and Carl who gets in her way all the time, but nothing from Ian’s side.

Even when Carl went to see him, still nothing. Carl thought if he showed Ian some knife grips he learned off the Internet, then Ian would be happy, but Ian kept looking at the wall with dead eyes.

Seven days had passed and Ian was still in bed.

 

//

 

One night as Carl was coming down the stairs he heard Mandy talking with Debbie in their kitchen.

“Thank Debs, I’ll give them to Mickey when I get home from my shift. Maybe he can get Ian to get out of bed with these.”

“I thought you had the morning shift, you’re working double?”

“If I could I’d take all the shifts. It’s better than being home with Kenyatta.”

“Why don’t you break up with him?”

“It’s ... complicated. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“How’s Ian?”

Carl shifted his weight to the other leg and took a deep breath.

“He’s … Ian. The same I guess. Still not moving.”

“I didn’t have a chance to see him yesterday. Or today.”

“Yeah, Mickey’s the only one going into his room. Ian yells at me every time I do. Well, he yells at Mickey, too, but Mickey can take it I guess.”

There was a long pause following Mandy’s words, and Carl felt like the air was getting too thick around him.

“Anyway I gotta get to work. See ya.” Mandy took something sounding like a plastic bag and left. Carl walked into the kitchen and put on his coat.

Debbie was making a sandwich and Liam was drawing on the kitchen table. “Hey, buddy let’s go,” Carl said, and lifted Liam off his chair, placing him down to put his coat on.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?” Debbie asked.

“To see Ian, I’m the only one who cares anyway.” He slammed the door behind him, as he took Liam by the hand and left the house.

That was true; what Carl said.

He felt like he was the only one that cared about Ian’s well-being. His siblings might care about him, too, but they didn’t show it. Their visits at Mickey’s house had become more and more rare and they didn’t even talk about him in their own house.

One time Carl tried to bring the subject to the conversation, but Fiona cut him off by saying, “don’t worry, sweetie, Ian will be fine, he just needs some time.”

“Like Monica?” Carl asked, but Fiona did not reply.

Carl had heard Lip and Fiona talk about it the other day. That was the only way Carl could learn anything in the house; by eavesdropping. They both said it was like Monica.

 

//

 

Mickey was eating some leftovers from lunch when Iggy came into the house.

“Man, it’s freezing outside. If you’re planning on going out, think about it again.”

“Wasn’t planning to.” He finished his food and beer and placed his plate in the sink.

“Is there any left for me?” Iggy asked opening the fridge.

Mickey left him looking for food and walked to the bathroom, only to stop when his eye caught Ian staring at the open door of his room.

“Hey,” Mickey said softly, going into the room. He closed the door slightly behind him and kneeled on the side of the bed. “Is everything okay?”

Ian nodded and Mickey felt like crying.

To be honest, Mickey had cried a lot for Ian. He hated to see him in that position, suffering, helpless, and he hated himself for being useless and unable to help.

But he wouldn’t show that to Ian. Not now that he was finally making progress.

It was the first time in days that Ian was looking into his eyes again. Mickey had almost forgotten what colour Ian’s eyes were, but he felt a lot better now that he could see them again.

He stretched his arm and traced Ian’s face with his fingers. Ian closed his eyes and leaned into Mickey’s touch.

Mickey missed that. He felt stupid because it had only been a week or so, but he had been so scared. He wasn’t sure of what, only that he was.

He looked at the plate he’d left for Ian, the food still untouched on his nightstand. “Don’t you want to eat anything?” he asked slowly and cupped Ian’s face, playing with the hair at the back of his neck.

Ian didn’t answer, he only turned his head and kissed Mickey’s palm over and over again, letting it cover his face. Mickey fought back the tears and got up from where he was kneeling.

As soon as he laid on the bed, his arms were around Ian, holding him tight. He was cold. Mickey argued many times over not letting him sleep naked, but Ian wouldn’t wear any clothes. He’d only cover himself with a blanket.

Mickey ran his hands up and down his back, trying to warm him up and Ian buried his face in the crook of Mickey’s neck, melting under his warm touch.

They stayed like that for a while until Ian started humming against Mickey’s skin.

“What was that?” Mickey asked pulling back and looking into Ian’s eyes. He pushed back some loose strands falling in Ian’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.” It was so weak that Mickey barely heard it. Some tears left Ian’s eyes.

Mickey pulled him closer and nuzzled at his face. “Don’t fucking say that ever again.”

 

//

 

Carl walked around the blocks with Liam by his side, and Liam stopped every three seconds to catch snowflakes with his tongue, till they reached Mickey’s house and knocked on the door. Iggy answered it.

“Hi, we came to see Ian,” Carl said, and Iggy walked backwards, letting them in. Carl closed the door behind them and took off his coat, throwing it on the couch.

“Come here, let me take this off,” he told Liam, who lifted his arms so Carl could take his coat.

“He’s in the bedroom. He’s been sleeping all day, man,” Iggy said.

“Wait here, Liam,” Carl said, and walked over to the bedroom where the door was just a few inches open. He was ready to knock when he peeked inside and his hand fell instantly.

Mickey was laying on the bed with his back to the door and next to him was Ian who was facing Mickey. That was the first time, after that night Mickey brought them over, that Carl saw Ian facing any other direction than the wall.

Mickey’s hand was on Ian’s hair stroking some loose strands that were falling in his face, pushing them backwards. Carl couldn’t see Mickey’s face but he could see Ian’s. Even though the room was quite dark, he could still make out his features and expressions.

He was wide awake and looking at Mickey. Carl would swear Ian’s eyes were smiling but then he saw some tears falling down his cheeks, not too long before Mickey caught them with his fingertips. Ian closed his eyes and brought Mickey’s hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles. He was talking to Mickey, but Carl couldn’t hear anything, he only saw Ian’s lips moving.

Carl felt uncomfortable standing there, staring at them, because he’d never seen them being so intimate with each other before. Sure he’d heard them fuck back when Mickey was staying with them but he’d never seen Mickey being so careful and gentle with Ian. Or Ian with Mickey for that matter.

Carl went back to the living room and sat next to Iggy and Liam, who were watching TV.

“Did you see him?” Iggy asked opening a beer with his hand.

“No, he’s in there with Mickey, I didn’t wanna interrupt them.”

“Are they fucking?”

“No!” Carl said.

“You’re right, that wouldn’t even make sense. He’s barely been up and that was to go to the bathroom. I bet if he wakes he’s gonna be hungry for real food, not dick.” He looked at Carl and Liam who were both staring at him. “Oh, sorry, he’s your brother.” Carl looked at Liam and wondered if he was old enough to get it. “Wait, let me tell Mickey you’re here.” Iggy got up, and once he was at Mickey’s room he opened the door. “Ian’s brothers are here.”

“What the fuck are you yelling for?” Carl heard Mickey say.

“No one’s yelling, bro.” Iggy went back to the living room. “Go.”

Carl got up and waited till Mickey was out of the bedroom. “Don’t be long, he needs rest.”

He’s been resting all day, Carl thought and ignored Mickey’s comment.

Ian was still facing the door when Carl went in.

“Hey,” he said and Ian looked at him.

“Hey.” Ian’s voice was faint but at least he was talking.

Carl smiled and sat on the bed beside him. “How are you feeling? You seem better.”

“Better,” Ian agreed, nodding slowly.

Carl didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to Ian being like that. Silent. But then Ian spoke again.

“I thought you guys forgot about me,” he said, looking down to his hands and lifting the covers up to his chin.

Carl felt like someone punched him in the stomach and made a mental note to kick Debbie when he got back home.

“I came yesterday, but you were sleeping.”

Ian’s smile was weak, but visible. “How’s everyone?”

“Um, good, I guess. I mean, nothing’s changed since last week -”

“What day is it?” Ian cut Carl off.

“Tuesday.”

“It’s been over a week?” Ian’s face dropped at the realization he’s been in bed for a week. Carl looked around the room, trying to find something to change the topic, when he remembered the knife in his coat.

“Wait,” he said, getting up and running to the living room.

As soon as Mickey saw Carl running through the house, he stood up from his chair. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Carl replied searching for the knife in his coat and running back to the bedroom once he found it. Mickey followed him and stood by the door.

“Look, I learned some grips, can you tell me if they’re right?” Carl said and started playing with the knife and holding it in different ways. When Ian reached for it, Mickey took a step forward into the room, ready to hurry if Ian did anything stupid, but Ian only corrected Carl’s grips.

“Here,” he said in each different grip, showing Carl how to hold the knife.

Carl was smiling because Ian was there with him, talking again. And when Ian saw Carl smiling, he smiled, too, looking up to meet Mickey’s eyes. And when Mickey saw Ian smiling, he smiled, too.

“Do you wanna go out tomorrow and show me how to aim?”

“Not tomorrow, but maybe on the weekend.”

“Cool. Oh wait, I have someone else here to see you, too.” Carl ran back to the living room, kneeling in front of Liam. “C’mon buddy, let’s see Ian.” Liam’s face lit up at the mention of Ian’s name and he ran with Carl back to Mickey’s bedroom.

“Ian!” Liam said, laughing and jumped on the bed. He wrapped his arms around Ian’s neck and pressed his cheek to Ian’s, kissing his neck.

Ian rolled on his back slowly, pulling Liam on top of him and hugged him back. Carl sat on the bed beside them.

“Hey, Liam, let’s show Ian our secret handshake.”

Liam sat up and crawled over to Carl. They started fistbumping, high fiving and lacing their fingers together. Liam didn’t remember half of it, but neither did Carl. They ended up just slapping each others’ hands until Carl pushed Liam back onto the bed and started tickling him.

Liam crawled on top of Ian and took his arm, throwing it around his body so that Ian could protect him from Carl. Ian just pressed him against his chest and kissed his head.

Carl lied down beside them. “Liam, show Ian how you whistle.”

“Pffff,” Liam said only blowing air from his mouth and giggling.

“Very good.” Ian rubbed Liam’s back as the boy rested his head on Ian’s chest..

Carl looked over at the door, where Mickey was standing, smiling at Ian and his brothers, but quickly dropped his smile when he saw Carl looking back at him.

“Okay Liam, come on. It’s time to go home,” Carl said.

Liam freed himself from Ian’s arms, but took his hand between his tiny one and started pulling Ian with him. “Come, Ian. Home.”

“I can’t now, monkey,” Ian said as Liam started pulling at his arm with both hands now.

“Come, Ian, come.”

And the next few seconds went by like this: Liam pulling Ian’s arm, Carl pulling Liam away from Ian, and Mickey pulling both of them out of the room, while Liam kept saying “come, Ian, come.”

Ian was crying again and he turned on his side facing the wall.

Carl put on his coat once they were in the living room, and Mickey helped Liam put his on, too.

“Hey,” Mickey said just as they were about to leave, “Come back tomorrow, he’d like that.” He looked at Liam who was angry and trying to take his coat off. “Maybe alone.”

“I was planning to,” Carl said taking Liam’s hand and going out in the cold weather.

 

//

 

“What happened?” Iggy asked once Liam and Carl had left.

“Nothing you need to worry about.”

Mickey went back to his room quickly and wrapped his arms around Ian’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder.

Ian sighed and Mickey pulled back, afraid that he was overstepping Ian’s boundaries. “Don’t go,” Ian said and turned around facing him.

Mickey pushed his body closer to Ian and cupped his face. “You okay?”

Ian nodded silently as Mickey wiped his tears. It was dark and quiet in the house but they could see each other from the faint light coming from the living room, where Iggy was watching TV.

“I can tell them not to come by tomorrow. If they make you upset,” Mickey spoke, his thumb gently stroking Ian’s face.

“No,” Ian said quickly. Mickey nodded and placed both hands on either side of Ian’s face, their foreheads touching.

“I missed you so much.” Mickey’s voice was barely a whisper, something he was finally confessing to himself and admitting to Ian. He placed a small kiss on Ian’s cheek and breathed in his scent.

“I’m here.”

“I know, it’s stupid.”

“No, I understand, I think. I missed you, too.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.”

Ian’s little smile was enough to make Mickey’s heart beat again. Ian was visibly better than before and it made Mickey hopeful that things were getting better.

When he came out that night at the Alibi in front of everyone, including his dad, he hadn’t even thought of the consequences of that decision. He used to be scared of that, being out and open about himself, but those days he spent with Ian after that night made him believe that he had been missing out all this time. Until Ian couldn’t get out of bed.

Every night Mickey went to sleep next to a restless Ian, he blamed himself. He blamed himself because maybe his life with Mickey now is what made Ian depressed. Because maybe he wasn’t good enough for Ian. Because maybe -

“Hey,” Ian spoke kissing Mickey’s lips softly and bringing him back from his thoughts. “What’s wrong?”

Mickey sighed and pushed his lips back to Ian’s. The kiss was slow and gentle; like they were both too tired or too afraid to push things further.

“Everything okay?” Ian asked between kisses.

“It is now.”

 

//

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the lovely Jen for editing this!!! :)
> 
> Title is from Halsey's song "Colors"
> 
> Come say hi @northsfire on tumblr xx


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